At least it wasn’t an ATOMIC wedgie!
I knew someone was in trouble the moment I got home the other night. You know when the wife is waiting for you in the doorway, it isn’t a good sign. Luckily, the fact that I was on the phone bought me a few extra minutes to rack my brain to recall what exactly I might have done..or possibly didn’t do. Hmmm…I put the toilet seat down, I put my clothes in the hamper, I THINK the kids were dressed before I dropped them at school that morning. I did remember to take the kids to school that morning, didn’t I??? Okay, I pretended to be on the phone long enough…it was time to face the music. By this point, my knees were beginning to shake as I watched the smoke beginning to come out of her ears…I was a dead man. “Hi Hon” I said sheepishly as I walked up to our doorway. “Can you take care of the baby because I need to return a call from a very angry parent?” she asked. Phew! I wasn’t a dead man, one of my kids was busted for something they did…thank God!
If my family was the Simpsons, my 7 year old would be Lisa and my 5 year old would be Bart. If one of my kids was in trouble, it was a pretty safe bet that it was my little Bart. “What did she do this time?” I asked my furious wife (you really think she’d be used to these calls by now). To my surprise, she said it wasn’t a parent of anyone in Bart’s class, it was a little boy in Lisa’s class. What?!?!?! Wow, I wished I would have waited before spanking poor Bart.
I quickly took the baby and headed upstairs to get out of her way. As I was getting little Maggie ready for bed, I heard my wife on the phone with the boy’s angry Mother. “Absolutely, there is no excuse for that.” “I’m really sorry…yes, I agree she needs to learn that it is NOT okay to hurt people.” “I’m really sorry and I assure you it won’t happen again.” As I wondered what my usually innocent little Lisa did, my wife ended the call and took our little Bart downstairs. It was Bart; all was right in the universe again.
If you don’t know my sweet, lovable five year old daughter, I’ll attempt to fill you in. This is my daughter that when given a cup of water will yell, “I said fresh, COLD water!” Yes, my same angel that recently was given two dollars for doing absolutely nothing. She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, “this is the WORST….DAY…EVER!!!!” Even though this was probably two dollars more than she was ever given, her older sister who actually had to babysit for her money, was just given 3 dollars. And finally, this is the same young soccer player that ran up and socked the guy that filled in during her coach’s absence. Unfortunately for him, his name was Tom (“That’s my DAD’s name!” she told him as she punched him in the ding-ding). That’s my Bart!
Anyway, I put the baby down and was downstairs a few minutes later. The lecture was over but I came down to see my 5 year old writing an apology letter. “Dear ______, I am sorry I gave you a wedgie.” A wedgie? This lady was so upset that my 5 year old daughter gave her 7 year old son a wedgie? My wife knew I was trying really hard to not let my daughter see me laugh. I put on my best stern Father look and made sure she knew that what she did was wrong. I looked at her sad face and her very sweet apology letter and I knew she felt bad about it. Or did she? She drew a picture of her and this boy holding hands but upon closer inspection she may have been giving the boy another wedgie in the picture. Nahh…I’m pretty sure she just inherited her old man’s artistic ability.
Where in the world did she learn this behavior? It must have been from one of those rotten kids in the neighborhood. Or possibly, her artistic ability wasn’t the only thing she inherited from her old man. It wasn’t that long ago when I was wreaking my own havoc on the playground. I never did something as mean as a wedgie…unfortunately, what i did was much worse. I resorted to the dreaded “Pole Position.” If you don’t know what a pole position is, it is basically where we tried to position a pole into the poor boy’s family jewels. I remember me and my buddy Joe chasing Rob and then each grabbing a leg when we caught him. We would then pull him into the tether ball pole with all the strength we could muster. Even as a kid, I kind of felt bad about doing this to poor Rob. Of course, I didn’t stop doing it, but I felt bad about it. The worse part was that Rob was a little junior George McFly from the Back to the Future series. He would laugh along with everyone, call us jerks, and then continue to hang out with us. I have no idea where he is, but I owe that guy an apology and I need to beg him and his family for forgiveness. Come to think of it, I wonder if I prevented him from having a family? Oh…I feel terrible. This really is the WORST DAY EVER!!!!
