Am I supposed to think of tassles or a poodle?
If it was a diving competition, I would have given her a 10. Unfortunately, it wasn’t, and all I could do was sit motionless as Lolita plunged head first into her watery grave. I was sobbing and carrying on like I lost a loved one, before I realized maybe I’d better reach in there and pull my cell phone out of the toilet. I will never try to talk on the phone and wash my hands at the same time again. Just to be safe, I’ll never wash my hands again period. However, none of that will bring my beloved Lolita back… so I guess it is on to Trixie.
I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not crazy about “Trixie.” For some reason, my wife always names my cell phones. They are always female names that could double as a stage name for a stripper. That way if I’m paying attention to my cell phone instead of my wife, I’ll get a “How’s Lolita?” Lolita worked for me…Trixie makes me think of a pink poodle so I am going to try to convince her to go back to the old drawing board. More important than convincing my wife, I just have to make sure my kids don’t take a liking to it. I’m not sure I need my two year old running up to me saying, “Daddy, how’s Twixie?”
Much more important than what am I going to name my phone, is what in the heck am I going to name my family? Someone pointed out to me that there could be possibly safety concerns about using the real names of my kids in my blog. She suggested using just the first letter but, it seemed to leave a bit to desired: “C kicked G so Daddy spanked her in the A.” My oldest is the easiest, as I can just use the name her little sisters call her: Mimi. Sure it makes me think of an 80 something year old grouchy chain smoker that just happens to be my Aunt, but so be it. My 8 year old wanted to be called “Drama Queen.” Personally, I think this would be a better name for her over-dramatic 6 year old or 2 year old sister, but since she is the family thespian, I’ll go with it. My 6 year old loves all things swine (I’m pretty sure she gets it from her bacon-loving old man) so she’ll be Piggy. Finally, my 2 year old who happens to be yelling at me as I type this, will be our Bossy Frog. My wife Shaniqua, wants to be referred to as the African Goddess…but that’s not happening. She is now, and always will be, my Nemesis.
I know you are wondering why you need to know what I’ll be referring to my family as from now on, so I’ll just fill you in: I am about to make it big time. Yep, all the signs are there. Last week I got 4 rejection letters off of just one writing application I submitted. I’m guessing it was so bad that it started getting passed around the office with a, “You gotta see this!” That joker then figured he had to send out a denial that was harsher than his predecessors. Good stuff…so I just know I’m close to fulfilling my dream of being the HuskyBoy model…I mean a real writer.
By the way as for my own name, I have been getting a lot of, “Hey Mr. Ironman, you cannot be called FAT Tom anymore.” I guess I appreciate the gesture and even considered some alternatives. There was the medically accurate: “2 ounces under morbidly obese”, the nicer pairing of: “Pleasantly Plump,” or “Portly and Pudgy”, the relative: “Not as fat as Paul” or the not-related suggestion of “Halitosis Maximus.” As much as I like the sound of Portly and Pudgy, I think I will remain Fat Tom. Unlike the band Young Black Teenagers who could get away with actually being white guys in their 20′s, www.blogbyfattom.com is written by an obese blogger by the name of Tom (who just happens to be thinking of Trixie when he is with his Nemesis).
By the way, if you have another name I should be considering, submit it in the comments section below. If I use one of the suggestions, I’ll send the lucky winner all the breath mints nice people (even complete strangers) keep giving me for some reason.
