Do you want mustard with that nail gun?
I’ve gotta be the funniest guy I know. Okay, maybe I need to be a little more specific. When I don’t have any sleep, I am the funniest fat guy I know named Tom who writes a blog and is married to my nemesis. The key part of that being when I don’t have any sleep. This isn’t necessarily a good thing. Think of the drunk guy that thinks he is really funny. Unless you are also really drunk, you just think he is an idiot. And so goes I, destined for the masses to miss my comedic genius, and just think I am an idiot.
After a night of insomnia yesterday, I came up with the bright idea of giving the same reply on Facebook all day. So no matter what someone else commented or had as their status, they would get the same reply from me. The only problem was that I couldn’t choose between two of my actual recently used comments: “What smells like mustard?” or “I would rather take a nail gun to my crotch.” So I did the only logical thing, I used them both.
It couldn’t have started out better if I planned it. I announced my intentions using my status and got an almost immediate comment from a co-worker who called me a nut and told me to get to work. To which I replied, “I would rather take a nail gun to my crotch.” I scrolled down to find that there was a discussion going on about Brett Favre signing with the Vikings. Some liked it, some hated it, others thought it was a publicity stunt, I just wanted to know what smelled like mustard. It then got a little touchy as probably the most sensitive person I know reminded everyone about some special artsy festival that was going on that really meant a lot to her. Even though I was pretty sure it would bring her to tears, I took the nail gun to my crotch.
And so it continued all day. One friend complained about how pungent a lady’s perfume was, I wanted to know what smelled like mustard. Someone was bored in a waiting room, I opted for the nail gun to my crotch. Someone else commented about Sponge Bob, I said he smelled like mustard.
Towards the end of the day, I just went about my business after I posted the final results: “208 people think I am a complete idiot, 54 people blocked me, 3 people filed a restraining order, and one lady shot me with pepper spray.” Being the Facebook junkie I swore I would never become, I posted some unrelated comment about a reality show before I went to bed. I got a quick response of “I wanna cover you in mustard and kick you in the nuts? Wait…how did that go again?” Now THAT was funny and had me busting up. When my wife asked what was so funny, unfortunately my kids were right there and heard it. All of a sudden my daughters were chasing each other around the house threatening that they were going to smother each other with mustard and kick each other in the nuts!
Once all the hysterics finally died down, I noticed a very serious post. Apparently someone allowed her best friend and the friend’s 17 year old son to spend the night at her house only to discover that the son stole a lot of money and a very precious ring. The kid’s own mom wanted her to press charges to teach him a lesson and she asked the Facebook audience, “What would you do?” I asked my wife if I should reply with “smother him with mustard and kick him in the nuts!”. My wife reminded me that I did take a vow, so after spitting my water everywhere from laughing so hard, I did just that. Okay, not really. Actually, I chickened out and got some much needed sleep. Unfortunately, after getting a good nights rest, I woke up and was very unfunny again. That of course, just makes me want to take a nail gun to my crotch!
