If I suddenly go missing, someone investigate my Box!

Posted: February 9, 2014 in Crossfit, Weight Loss Contest (take 127)
Tags: , , , , ,

Okay, apparently the one time this stupid blog has more than one reader happened to be the time that I risk my life by calling Crossfit a cult. Now they are trying to murder me in the most painful way possible: through exercise. They are on to me I just know it! How do I know? Well when I went to a “class” yesterday I overheard whispers of, “look at that fat furry guy rocking the midriff shirt!” Which you and I both know is code for, “The geezer is trying to share our secret with the world before the leader says it is time… we must kill him.” Before this dumbbell slips and has a real dumbbell “accidentally” impale my groin, I’ll help you make your own decision by listing the characteristics of a cult. We can then see if crossfit matches those characteristics.

—CHARACTERISTICS OF A CULT—

—The group displays excessively zealous commitment or obedience to its leader— So crossfit is very sneaky about this. They rotate the leader on a daily basis and it is never announced who the designated leader really is at any given time. In fact, the only way to know who it is, is by paying attention to who is wearing the very discrete shirt that says “coach” on it. Of course, he or she is also the one offering instructions. If you don’t follow those instructions, you get “coached” into submission with things like: “You are actually supposed to bend your knees, not your back, when doing squats!” It’s their subtle way of saying, “submit or risk injury.” —Cult and Crossfit characteristic? Check.—-

—The Cult plays cool, loud songs like “Love removal machine” to “motivate” you. —Cult and Crossfit characteristic? Check.—

—Members are encouraged to spend and inordinate amount of time with the group.— Let’s just say that there are SOoooo many classes! —Cult and Crossfit Characteristic? Check—

—The group is elitist, claiming a special, almost exalted status of itself.— Whoa! This one is scary how much it describes crossfit. Crossfit is elitist to the point where our common language just isn’t good enough, so they invented their own. I’ll give you some of our inside lingo, just so you can also be indoctrinated. I should warn you: even though all of it sounds dirty, none of it really is. So here is this new member’s understanding of it (I think enlightenment doesn’t truly happen until I reach higher levels… ie. I can do 100 burpies).

Box – The specific gym where crossfit is performed. They all have names that remind you of death or pain, like “Death Crossfit,” “Pain Crossfit,” or the very worst of them, the one that makes me cry and whimper like a 41 year old fat out of shape blogger, “Backcountry Crossfit.” Each Box is in secret competition with the Box across the street, and ALL of them are superior to your weak, girly non-crossfit “gym”.

Snatch – This is a G-rated blog so I can’t go into great detail about this one but, again, trust me… it isn’t dirty.

Burpies – Not really sure what these are. All I know is that we do a ton of them. You jump up and down and burpy a lot. It seems to be increased on the mornings following eating Mexican food for dinner.

Paleo – Crossfits equivalent of the kool-aid (with, of course, no sugar added). Don’t know much about it yet… but this is why I happen to be risking my life blogging about crossfit in a blog about weight loss. Stay tuned!

WOD – This is an acronym for, “Prepare to Die Sucka!” It is also something more advanced members feel compelled to post to their facebook daily. I would pretend to be advanced by also doing this, but how could I do that and let my facebook peeps know that I had toast for breakfast? They are about as equally exciting on facebook so I’ll stick to my toast posts because it at least rhymes.
—Anyhoo, having your very own lingo… Cult and Crossfit characteristic? Check.—

Nice people… I mean REALLY nice people – I haven’t officialy found this as a cult characteristic but I can’t help but think of that cult that castrated all of its members while waiting for the Hale-Bopp’s comet. I don’t know about you, but if a grouchy guy told me to get in line to get my nuts cut off, I would at least have to think twice. However, if a smiling nice guy suggested that he has a way to literally cut a couple ounces right off me, I would reply, “That’s great! Where do I sign… and why are you holding a cleaver?”
So even though it might not be an official cult characteristic, isn’t it a little odd that people that work at a gym…err… box, would be so nice. I picture an Arnold Schwartzenegger looking character with a thick mustache insulting my girly muscles… and the men that worked there would be even nastier! However, at least at my crossfit, everyone seems really nice. From the kind people at the desk, to the helpful people wearing the coach shirts, and even the other “members” who are dying right next to you: EVERYONE is extremely nice. I don’t know, but it just seems odd that with what seems like someone’s last breath they would offer a, “good job buddy!” —-Crossfit characteristic? Check. Cult characteristic? Inconclusive.

Well since crossfit and cults don’t share 100% of the same characteristics (and because I have a wife and 4 kids who kind of need me around… the kids anyway), I’ll have to rule this as inconclusive. Now I’ve gotta run… I’ve got a comet to catch!

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