Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The New Year was just two days old before my dream died.  Again.  The good news was that it made two days this time, which was officially a new record.  I’d like to take all the credit, but it was just because I procrastinated on making my New Year’s resolutions (which, of course, included to quit procrastinating).

It fell right between resolutions #65 (quit smoking) and #67 (remember nobody likes a quitter).  There it was in black and white: #66 (Write a book).  Darn it!  Not again.  Not that I have actually ever written a book.  I’ve started writing 182 books (trust me… all of them were REALLY good), but finished writing exactly zero of them.  So I thought maybe this year I would actually tackle it head on and bust out my personal War and Peace… and then I thought better about it (and there goes resolution #67).

It’s not that I couldn’t write  a book.  I just couldn’t write a book that anyone would actually want to read.  Before I completely gave up, I even solicited feedback from my wife.  “Maybe you could write on raising four daughters,” she suggested.  That’s a fine idea and all, but let’s be honest, nobody wants to read about those boring little losers.  So I kicked around other ideas… okay an idea singular… which was an autobiography that had me wearing a funny hat and began, “Four score and seven years ago…”.  As it turned out, I officially had nothing!

So I did what I do when I have nothing, I became Eeyore:

Me: Ohhhhh Christopher Robbins… I stink as a writer and I am soooooo down that I just want to mope around talking like Eeyore all day.

My wife:  What?  Did you just call me Christopher Robbins? What the heck are you talking about?  And if you keep talking like that I am going to donkey kick you in the nuts!

Me: Oh bother!

Wife: Okay, I warned you!  Hiiiiiiyyyyyahhhhh!!!

But as I sat there icing my bruised ego (and unmentionables), I heard a whole slew of angels.  Wait…slew? Flock? A pod? Peck? A herd?  I heard a herd of angels? Nope! A HOST! I heard a host of angels!  Actually, I didn’t hear anything, but I read a FaceBook post from that could have been written by a host of angels, but as it turned out was written by a guy on my Team in Training triathlon team.  It turns out that he was a big fan of the show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and he wanted to host a contest where he was going to donate $250 to the winner’s fundraising efforts.  All I had to do was write something, anything funny and in the perspective of an episode from the show.  Heavenly hosts Batman! Here was my chance to prove that I was not a complete loser!  Okay I’d still be a loser, but you get the point.

There was only one challenge, I had never seen the show.  Well, that, and I’m not funny.  So although I had never seen the show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,”  I seen the movie “Philadelphia” with Tom Hanks.  I figured it was probably the same thing with Danny Devito playing the Tom Hanks role in the show.  Have you ever tried to write something funny about a man dying of Aids?  Me neither.  I decided to do “research” and actually watch the show.  In case you were wondering, it is a very funny show.

Anyway, sit down for this part, I ended up winning the contest.  I’m sure there were probably thousands and thousands of people (a herd?  Nevermind…)  that entered the contest, and yours truly walked away with the golden participant ribbon.  So although it is true that I am still the big fat loser that will never write a book, in a roundabout charity kind of way, I was paid for my writing.  In my book (see what I did there), that makes me a professional writer!  In your face Christopher Robbins!  And I know it has absolutely nothing to do with writing, but from now on please refer to me as Fat Tom, Esquire.


For those of you that may might be actual fans of the show, I’ll apologize in advance but here is my  AWARD WINNING episode called, “The Gang decides to do a Triathlon.”  For those of you, who are like me, and have never seen the show, the real show is funny so don’t take this as a reason to not watch the show.  Oh yeah… Danny Devito plays the character Frank who as it turns out, isn’t even related to Tom Hanks.   Anyhoo, here it is:

11:00 Am
On a Tuesday
In Philadelphia

The gang is sitting around chatting in the bar when a sweaty, out of breath Frank enters the bar wearing a burgundy velvet sweat suit…

Frank: Get me a beer, I’m carb loading!
Charlie: Carb loading? You?? For What??
Frank: I’ve decided to do a triathlon!
(Whole gang laughs)
Dee: So you are going to eat, drink beers, and what is the third thing that will complete this “triathlon” your doing?
Frank: Ha ha. I’m doing a real triathlon, I just signed up for the Ironman in Kona!
Mac: Wait, a triathlon would be hard enough, but YOU are doing an IRONMAN???
Frank: I didn’t say that I am DOING an Ironman, I said that I signed up for one. I tried to sign up for the handicap division, but they wanted me to prove that I was a complete quadraplegic in order to let me be pulled by someone else for the entire race. Once I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I signed up for the Lavaman Triathlon.
Dee: Frank, are you drunk? What are you talking about?
Charlie: Yeah… what exactly would possess YOU to sign up for a triathlon?
Frank: Not what Charlie… WHO??? She was the most gorgeous creature that I’ve ever seen…

(Fade to Dream Sequence….)
Frank is sitting at a bench in a park when Bo Derek, looking exactly like she did in 10 – with her cornrows far from the only thing bouncing- comes jogging in his direction. Frank sees her and immediately stands up in anticipation. Bo is running right to him in slow motion. She smiles at him… Frank smiles back… they lock eyes… Frank but can’t help but to put out his arms to allow Bo to run right into them….
…. Bo Derek hurdles the bench that Frank was sitting on, keeps running 25 more years until she reaches the lake, where she immediately enters the water, and swims off into the sunset…
(End Dream Sequence)

Dee: Wait, you didn’t even talk to her, how do you know she was training for a triathlon?
Frank: Are you kidding? She was running and swimming, what else would she be doing?
Dennis: Maybe desperately trying to escape the creep at the park that was fantasizing about her!
Frank: We’ll see who is laughing when I am crossing the finish line of my triathlon in Hawaii!
Dee: Hawaii? Why didn’t you say so, I’ve always wanted to do a triathlon!
(The guys all laugh.)
Mac: The only one less likely to do a triathlon than Frank is you. You’ve never exercised a day in your life!
Dee: I seemed to get plenty of exercise spanking your ass in the chugging contest.
Mac: I was the commissioner, not a fellow contestant!
Dee: You were a wuss! Why don’t you actually compete against me and Frank in this triathlon and we’ll see who spanks who.
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa… I want in on this ass paddling!
Dennis: Me too! How about a little wager… $100 each?
Group: DEAL!

12 Weeks later
08:00 AM Race Day
In Hawaii
The gang is stretching before the big race when Frank walks up in a full wetsuit, fins, a mask, and a snorkel.

Dennis: Are you trying to scare away any sharks by looking like an orca?
Frank: I’m not taking any chances of catching hypothermia in that freezing water!
Charlie: Frank, this is HAWAII, that water is 72 degrees!
Frank: I know, and I refuse to bathe in anything less than 90 degrees.
Mac: Guys they are calling our heat, let’s go!

(We see them all standing together in a circle in the water getting ready for their heat when Dee comes swimming up between them while doing the backstroke and spitting water out of her mouth like a fountain).
Charlie: What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with your own heat? Women start about 20 minutes after us.
Dee: I don’t trust you suckers! You aren’t going to get a chance to cheat… I’m racing with your heat!

The race begins and we see a shot of…
Mac flailing about during the swim while yelling, “I should have learned to swim in the last three months!” He eventually stands up and walks out while saying he just can’t do it.

Charlie drys off then uses his towel as a bib and pulls out an entire chicken and begins eating it during the first transition.

Dennis is exiting the water when he notices a couple of attractive women laying out on the beach. He decides to call it a day and lay in between them.

Frank: Gets not one but two flat tires… Then clothes line an elderly lady off her rascal scooter and rides off to finish the race on it.

Dee: Actually does really well. She can see the finish line…with 100 yards to go she realizes she needs to perfect her smack talk… 75 yards mostly cussing with a lot of “your mother” thrown in… 50 yards she decides on the time tested, “You guys can all suck my nuts!”…25 yards she raises her arms in victory just as two guys from security jump out of the crowd and announce they got the woman who cheated by starting before her heat. A ruckus ensues as security won’t let the cheater cross the finish line. Meanwhile Dee is now telling the security guard that THEY can suck her nuts.
As they wrestle Dee to the ground we see Frank pull up behind them on his stolen rascal scooter. He parks it in the crowd, gets off, and has a glorious 25 yards to victory.
After Frank crosses the finish line, the honorary chairwoman of the race puts the medal around his neck. She is, of course, none other than Bo Derek.







There is a popular link going around Facebook that basically says, “don't worry about other people's lives, go out and enjoy your own”. The premise is that the perception we put out on social media may not be reality. But I have always heard that someone's perception is their reality. Which is it? Are we being real or not? Who am I? Who are you? More importantly, why are you stalking me on my blog that I probably had to beg you to read in the first place? You sicko!
My social media consists entirely of letting you know what I am eating (cheese) and sending out invites to play Candy Crush. However, about a month ago, a friend of mine echoed the sentiment of the Facebook article. He is going through a divorce and his comments were directed at couples who look like they have a perfect relationship…on Facebook. I don’t think he meant it as an attack, but he was specifically talking about my relationship. My wife and I had just had a date and we posted a picture from it on Facebook.
Here is a pic of me and my hot wife:

Okay… not really. Here is a pic of me and my SMOKIN hot wife:

A couple of days later my friend and I were talking about our relationships and the challenges we were facing. It wasn’t quite as deep as the typical male talk that is repeated numerous times a day. You know the one:

Guy: Hey
Other Guy: Hey
Guy: Did you see the game?
Other guy: Yeah, it was ____ (either “awesome” or “horrible” depending on whether OUR team won or lost. Of course, if it was a loss, we also insert an insult about the refs or umpires).
Guy: Boobs rock.
Other guy: Yeah.

This particular conversation wasn’t like that. This was two old friends just sharing sincerely about our relationships. Then he made a comment about the picture posted on our date night. Interesting. Does a facebook post of a husband and wife just enjoying each other’s company create a false impression that they have a perfect relationship? I would hope not, but who knows? My wife and I love each other dearly (when we aren’t trying to kill each other) but we are far from a perfect couple. We argue (too much) over the most trivial, worthless stuff. We’re both stubborn. I get angry too quickly and in my opinion she doesn’t say “sorry” quick enough. As similar as we are, we have very different super powers. I have my super love handles and she has… well I’ll let her fortune-telling tea tell you.
My wife drinks a brand of tea that has a fortune, similar to one that you would find in a fortune cookie, tied to each tea bag.
Here is an example of one of the “fortunes”:
She had one over the weekend that said, "Your super power is forgiveness." I read that and thought, "funny." Cute, right? The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that it was True. If possible, it was even more accurate than the one I pretend to get each time I read a fortune: "Help! I am being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory." On a serious note, without my wife's super power of forgiveness, we wouldn't be married today. The fortune describes her to a tea (Tea… get it???). Maybe my super power should be the gift of being very unfunny? Not funny? Funnily challenged? Sexy? Whatever, I guess they are all the same thing!
Anyhoo, if a pic together on social media is supposed to tell who we are (or aren't?) as a couple, what does a pic of just ourself say? I've got friends that literally probably post a "selfie" everyday. Does that mean they are narcissistic? Sure they spice it up by including exciting things like them eating toast, breathing, or rejecting my Candy Crush advances, but almost every day there is a new selfie. If you think your friends are narcissistic, does that make them so? Personally, I don't do the daily selfie (I am still trying to master the nose-hair filter) but I make sure that I flex in every photo that I do take. My secret goal is to have someone ask me, "Have you been doing buns of steel?" Sigh…Someday.
Do the photo's we allow of ourself on social media say anything about us? We don't want the bad ones on their right? 107% of mine are bad ones. If that is the case, maybe that is who I am. What about the people that gain or lose a ton of weight.
This is me:
This is another version of me (please note the gratuitous use of a recent “after” pic from a weight loss contest):

Is one version of the same person better or worse than other?

Is beauty really just skin deep? Don’t worry, I am not kidding myself that I am beautiful, but what if we go deeper? I had someone ask me on Facebook last week, “Were you this funny in high school?” I replied with some quip that I am sure was just hilarious, but when I think about her question, my serious answer probably would have to be, “No.” I was usually too busy trying to impress others to just be myself. Now, in my ripe old age of 73, I really just care what people think. Or maybe that is what I want you to think, I don’t know. I know that I’m being judged almost all the time. I think we all are… which is sad. But are WE being judged or are people judging their perception of us?
Take me for example: To the non-religious, I am too religious. To the religious, I am too much of a heathen (the fact that I said “boobs” in this post is proof enough). To the bald or follicle challenged, I have cornrows that they would kill for (unfortunately they just happen to be on my back). The intelligent make up imaginary words about me (like I am going to buy that “halitosis” is a real word). Fish love me and women fear me. To women that I know I’ll never actually meet in person, I give them a description of myself that matches Brad Pitt… unfortunately as he was as in freakish baby form in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

What about even deeper than that? What could be deeper than our relationships, our appearance, our personalities… I’ll give you a clue: James Brown. I know that to some people the extent of, or belief in, our soul stops right there. But are we just this flesh and bones that we are walking around in? Hmmm… let’s pretend that you are in a terrible accident tomorrow and the lower half of your body is crushed. The doctors have no choice but to amputate. You now have half of your physical body, but are you half the person? No. We are not our bodies. Your very essence, or your soul, would not be halved or even damaged.

What do people smarter than me say about the soul?
Inside us there is something that has no name, that something is what we are. Jose Saramago

Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire. Jarod Kintz

Whatever satisfies the soul is truth. Walt Whitman

And finally, getting back to the original Facebook article about how people put out false perceptions of themselves to look more beautiful, happier, more exciting: Beauty is the illumination of your soul. John O’Donohue

So don’t worry about how others appear on social media (unless you ever see a pic of me in which case please feel free to inquire about my Buns of Steel). What about you though? Is your soul illuminated? Not on Facebook or some other social media, but in real life. Who are you? No… really?