The usual (and fat) suspects

Today was the first weigh-in since the weight loss contest started. Good news: I lost about half that Krave Burger! As we entered the weekend, I noticed a strange dynamic included in this wager. Their clause about having to pay money each week that you don’t lose weight over the prior week, had me strategizing. I knew I would lose weight over my porked out starting weight, but I didn’t want to lose too much that it would cost me next week. The irony is not lost on me as my fat fingers type this because I’ve got PLENTY to lose this week, next week, the week after that, the week after… well, I guess you get the point. My fat logged brain actually rationalized that I better finish my french fries for lunch so I don’t lose too much weight. I can’t go too hard on these poor suckers, right???
Speaking of which, as of right now, I have no idea how anyone else in the contest did this week. In fact, I don’t really even know who I am competing with yet. So instead of telling you about my contestants in this contest, I’ll tell you about the characters you can find in just about every weight loss contest. I was going to change the names to protect the guilty, but I killed all of my brain cells trying to rationalize those darn fries. Here are my fellow fatties that you can look for in your own contests:

The Larry- Starts gangbusters! You’ll hear things like, “All I had today was a piece of lettuce.” Sometime during day 8, he eats one of his cats and can be heard yelling, “sorry, but all I’ve eaten the past week is freaking rabbit food!” The Larry always finishes the weigh loss contest heavier than he started. Well… technically, he never finishes the weight loss contest but when it is over, The Larry weighs more than when he started.

The Paul- If he is in a weight loss contest, his entire office is going to be in a weight loss contest. If someone is so thoughtless as to bring in bagels (or heaven forbid donuts), they end up in the trash. It would be fine if The Paul stopped there, but he takes it a step further and starts emptying out the fridge (usually by eating the items in it). He does this regardless of whether or not the food is actually his. The tell-tale sign of The Paul is that he gets very grumpy. Did I say very grumpy, ha. Remember that poor person that made the mistake of bringing in the bagels, The Paul takes the liberty of delivering him a swift kick in the nuts.

The Christopher- You joined the weight loss contest because you thought it would be fun, and sure, maybe you do have a few pounds to lose. The Christopher has to claim his annual winnings from weight loss contests on his taxes. If he is in your contest, run as fast as your fat little legs will take you.

The Maria- Gets very serious about both diet and exercise… about four days of the week. Also writes a blog that is much funnier than this one about trying to get her fat butt back in her favorite pair of jeans. Is probably eating while reading this.

The ________ (insert too many women)- Actually take the diet and exercise thing seriously for the entire contest… but don’t lose any weight. You feel sorry for them and try your hardest to not let them know that you’ve been getting your exercise walking ALL the way through the buffet line… yet still have lost more than them.

The Stacey- She isn’t actually IN your contest, you are married to her. Well, I guess, really I am married to her. Usually waits until after the contest begins to start buying ice cream again. “Where should we go for lunch? A greasy burger sure sounds good to me!” Is supportive of your weight loss contests the first 1000 times, but for some silly reason gets fed up with them (well you… okay me) after that. Continues to increase your life insurance policy because she knows that it is just a matter of time before your ticker explodes.

Last and least, The Fat Tom- Kids himself with, “gosh… I think I actually wear the 4 chin look quite nicely, but weight loss contest would give me something to blog about.” Reminds anybody who will listen that muscle weighs more than fat with the daily, “Those aren’t love handles, they are called obliques!” Has spent the past 41 years outsmarting society by instead of trying to lose weight like a sucker, just buying larger sizes of clothing. Now when he wears his dress pants, has complete strangers yelling to him, “Hey Hammer, can’t touch this!” Also realizes that clothing doesn’t cover all areas of his body, so has grown fur over every inch of it tries to sell you on, “Hey, if it made Chewbaca look svelte, it can do the same for me!”

Anyhoo, those are basically your characteristics of your weight loss contestants. Sure you also have the person who should be in it but has what they are sure is an undiagnosed thryroid condition and the person who fakes a hamstring injury to get their entrance fee back after the first weigh-in… wait, I guess both of these could be added to the Fat Tom. So after surviving the first week of trying to go from Buddha to a Greek god (Buddha’s brother from Greece), I am down 6 lbs or 2.7%. Moooooo!!!!!

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Man with a plan!

Today was the first weigh-in, and needless to say, I’ve never been so disgusted with myself. 217.4. Ouch. Yes, I am disgusted, but maybe not for the reason you think. It isn’t for my incredible girth and four chins. It is because I ONLY have four chins. I started last year’s weight loss contest at 225.4. I had all year to gain weight and I report in weighing eight pounds LESS than last year??? What a loser!

So in case some of you actually want to eat in 2014, I’ll spare you the before photos (for those of you that must know, just picture a cross between Chewbaca, Dolly Parton, and Fat Albert and you’ve got it!). I got the details of the first contest today and here is the pertinent info: it runs from January 13th to March 7th. $10 entry. Weekly weigh-ins. $1 penalty every week you don’t lose weight AND $1 penalty for every pound you gain. Whoever loses the biggest percentage of weight, is the winner, winner, chicken and dumplings dinner.

I’ve decided to go ahead and win this and bring home the bacon. Mmm… bacon… I even came up with an agressive goal of losing 10% or 22 lbs. If I could get down to a svelte 195 I am pretty sure I could fit in my bro again (it is a C cup). But as grandma used to always say, “shut the refrigerator door fatty!” Wait.. not that, “If you fail to plan, you really are your father’s son!” The point is, losing over 20 lbs. won’t just happen on its own. So here is my guaranteed five step plan (patent pending if you are in the contest with me):

1. Look at my before photo often. — Should lose six lbs. as a result.

2. It is better to eat frequently throughout the day to avoid eating too much. It is supposed to be small meals, but bigger has got to be better right? So I’m going to eat large meals frequently throughout the day to make sure I win the hunger games. — Will probably gain seven lbs. as a result.

3. Hit Japanese baths with fellow obese men. — Probably won’t lose weight as a result, but might make some new friends.

4. Donate blood any other bodily fluids that they’ll take. — Probably gain three pounds because of the snacks afterwards.

5. Shave my back. — Lose 26 lbs. Booyah!!!! This is going to be like taking $10 from some other diet contestants… or something like that.

Stay tuned!

The 2nd to last supper

“Where do you want to go for dinner?” my wife asked innocently enough. Let’s see… with a weight loss contest beginning in less than 48 hours, maybe I should use tonight to practice eating healthy. Yeah right! “Krave,” was my one word answer.
If you don’t have Krave Burgers in your state, it is only because your legislators might actually care about you. “How bad could it be?” you ask. Go ahead and see for yourself.

Yes, you are reading that correctly, the Luther does say it has two glazed donuts as the hamburger bun (you should also note that right above the Luther they named a burger after me). Now I just wanted to be a glutton not a super glutton so I just went with the nice healthy burger with the fried cheese and chili (let’s be honest, there will be plenty of time for salads after Monday). However, to make sure I got my vegetables in, I ordered the sliced potato to go with it.

After making sure I cleaned my entire plate (considering the kids starving in Africa and all), my always supportive wife suggested we also get one of their adult shakes. I figured the alcohol in the shake might help loosen my quickly clogging arteries, but at this point I was just trying to remember if I was supposed to go to the light or stay away from it.

It’s probably 50/50 that I even survive until Monday’s weigh-in, so if I don’t make it please have my love handles bronzed and sent to the museum of fat.