Why I had #sex with an alien

First of all, it wasn’t an alien, it was Miley Cyrus. Actually, I believe he said that he is the father of Miley Cyrus. He was serenading me and telling me to not break his (#AchyBreaky) heart, and had me swooning. BUT, we did NOT have sex. It may have been the fact that there were 10,000 other folks at the concert #TrueStoryIWillAdmitToActuallySeeingMrAchyBreakyInCollege or the fact that his security guards seemed to be discriminating against the #fat college kid pretending to be Garth Brooks #DarnSOBs! Anyway, the night ended up with me and Billy Ray spooning while I did my best #alien impression and probed him #WhoIsTheOneHitWonderNow??? #Booyah!!! Oh… and all of this was your fault.
About a week ago I was whining to my wife about nobody reading this stupid #ImObviouslyPlayingTheOppositeGame blog. She said I could try actually being funny #NotHappening or that maybe hash tags would help. I don’t really know much about hash tags, but I understand that they are now legal in Colorado #MarijuanaJokesGotOldOnDay1. So after doing zero research, I’m pretty sure that I am now almost an expert #HiMom! on hash tags. What I didn’t get though… is what sane person wouldn’t want to waste 5 minutes of their life reading a #not funny blog about Paleo #Yawn and Crossfit #Cult. Right? #StillCoolToSayRightTooMuchRight? Now when people google #FatGuySexWithAlien I think this blog will show up in the top 500,000 hits #WouldMakeAnotherMarijuanaJokeButItIsTooEasy #GetIt?Hits? After whining about #NoReaders publicly on FaceBook #SeriouslyIHearCricketsChirpingAfterEachPost, some kind souls said that they actually do read it #ProbablyPaidEndorsers #ILoveYouMom
Now that I know this blog #Masterpiece? actually does get posted publicly, it is time to give my reader #HiMomAgain! what she has been waiting for: An Update on the Paleo Challenge #riveting. So here is the Dealio #NoRelationToTheRapperCoolio, it is actually going very well. So remember how I said that in Crossfit everything sounds dirty, but really isn’t. Paleo is similar in that everything you eat sounds gross, but it really isn’t. During my first week on Paleo, I have had more spinach then I have ever eaten in my life #HopingToImpressOliveOil…OrAtLeastWimpy, haven’t had any dairy products because #AlmondMilk doesn’t count, and switched my can of soda for a can of coconut water #ThatWONTHappenAgain #GrossDoesn’tDoItJustice! Anyhoo, with the exception of the devil juice #JustMadeThatUp, everything has been fantastico! I’m actually even beginning to lose chins and I’m finally down to Elvis weight or even Oprah weight #YouCanGuessWhichVersionOfElvisOrOprah.
I always thought that Paleo wasn’t substainable in the long run. Well, I proved that wrong in the very first week when I was able substain it for four days #ISaidDaysNotHoursNoNeedToCallADoctor. Then, out of nowhere, came the weekend. I was traveling in Dallas with some co-workers and they wanted to go out for sushi. Technically you could have paleo friendly sushi, but the stuff they ordered would have the cavemen rolling over in their caves. So I ate the anti-Paleo sushi. Then they ordered drinks including sake #NotGoodButMuchBetterThanCoconutWater, so I drank sake… and beer… and a martini #IThinkIAmBond…JamesBond.
Part of the Paleo Challenge is a point system and accountability. You start every week with 100 points and then distract 7 points for each violation. Let’s just say that in one night I lost all 100 points #AndThenSome. So when my weekly weigh-in rolled around on Monday morning, I was more than a little surprised when the scale showed that I… LOST weight!?!?! I can almost Taste the #FishOil now. #InYourFaceBillyRay!!!

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