Encouraged!

The bad news is that I am writing again. The good news is… well… there is nothing good about it. I don’t write good. I don’t even write well. So why in the heck am I going to torture both people that might read this? For two reasons: 1. I’ve been doing some thinking 2. I’m an old goat 3. I’ve been encouraged. 4. I’m apparently terrible at math.
So what the heck have I been thinking? I’ve come to the realization that I’ll never write for a living. I’ll never even make dos pesos from my writing. Through my pondering, I’ve realized that I am not now, nor will I ever be, a real writer… and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with it because I’m rapidly approaching the day that I return these blessed love handles to the Creator. I know I can’t be the only one who as a kid would have just the week before Christmas feel like ten years. I could swear that just yesterday I took a picture for my kids first day of school. I blinked, and today not only is their school year over, but they are already 1/3 of the way through their Summer break.
As time seems to be passing faster and faster, I realize that I am not pursuing any of my passions. I go to work, I come home. The next day I do the same. In between I might lower my IQ (not possible!) while watching some mindless TV show. Or, on a good day, I’ll love my wife or spend some quality time with my kids. Even the best of days turn into weeks, months, years, and decades too quickly. I’m not going to kid myself that writing will change any of that for me, but it comes down to a simple question: Tomorrow you win 100 million in the lottery, what would you do? Of course you would take a trip to Tijuana just for a bacon dog and a shot at a cage match with a midget luchadore, buy a ginormous belt buckle that said “Bubba”, and create a life size pez dispenser of The Fonz that dispenses Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, but then what would you do? Would you stay at your job? I’m going to venture a wild guess that most of us would say no. So if you weren’t working for a living, what would you be doing to be living? My buddy Benny Franklin possibly said it best, “Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75.” Tomorrow if Ed McMahon calls me from the other side to tell me that I just hit his sweepstakes, I would do all the above and then I would write (while wearing only my “Bubba” belt buckle).
So I know what you are asking yourselves, “Who should we make pay for this?” Tread lightly young grasshoppers for they are like spry ninjas powerfully wielding a secret power that all of us have, but rarely use. They are the encouragers. With simple kind words we could motivate people to follow their dreams and change lives. For me it was just a (real) writer commenting, “I hope you are still writing.” Or a friend across the ocean sharing my lame blog with her friends. Or friends or family commenting that they really liked something I wrote. Even my nemesis wife, after about 17 cocktails, will encourage me to write (probably just so I’ll let her go to bed and quit with my Austin Powers, “Do I make you randy?).
So blame those that have cared enough to encourage, but BlogbyFatTom is being resurrected (and hopefully bringing Ed McMahon’s loot with it). I don’t even know what I’ll write about yet. I won’t write about my exciting diets anymore (but I’ll share these words of wisdom I saw on Facebook, “Nobody cares about your stupid diet. Just eat your lettuce and be sad.”) I also won’t write about religion, race, sex, drugs, rock and roll, or anything that might be remotely entertaining or funny. In fact, I can almost guarantee that once again, it’ll be an epic failure. To which I’ll leave you with this quote from George Burns, “I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.”
So… what about YOU? If money was no object, what would you do???

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Best. Prize. EVER!

Let’s play the word association game. Just say the first word that comes to your mind. When I say “beer,” there could be several right answers including: belly, yummy, and giver of life. However, if I say “paleo,” there is only one correct answer: faileo. I’m not going to lie, I know nothing that is actually true about paleo. However, I’ll gladly share everything I do know with all (okay… both) of you:

-Paleo makes you talk funny: You wife. Me chubs. We bed now.
-It also turns you into a caveman (which is why you talk funny).
-You can’t eat anything you don’t catch and skin yourself. So add, “Here kitty-kitty” to that caveman lingo.
-You have exactly zero bowel movements while on the Paleo diet (wait… this one might actually be true).

So I bet you are wondering why when my new Crossfit gym announced that they were doing a “Paleo Challenge,” yours truly just happened to be in the 167th person in line. Couldn’t I have more fun by just having another vasectomy or maybe even a root canal? Yes. In fact it was while I was getting snipped for the 6th time, that I happened to stumble across all the cool things that are awarded to the winner of the paleo challenge. It quickly become a no-brainer to enter and my new life mission to win it. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and take a look and see for yourself. Here are the stakes that I’ll be shedding my blood, sweat, tears, and hopefully even a few LB’s for:

1.Undying fame, respect, braggin’ rights and the envy of your peers.
—Sure… This sounds cool. Really I think the winner has earned this. Heck if I win, I might even tattoo my accomplishments on the calf of my leg. Oh crud… I already did that with my darn #Ironman tattoo! What was I thinking!?!?!?

2.BackCountry CrossFit Sweatshirt
—Hmmm…. It would be nice to use my new svelte body to advertise my box, but I already have a permanent fur sweater so this one is not as appealing.

3. A 1 month Free Unlimited Crossfit Membership
—This one is pretty good but I think if I win the 5 week Paleo challenge, I’d prefer a 1 month unlimited buffet membership.

4.Free Pair of Inov-8 Shoes
—Not exactly sure what kind of shoes these are, but I hope they are tap.

5.Free Fish Oil from SFH
—OMG!!! Why didn’t they just skip that other junk and get straight to this jewel??? So just to get this straight, for the next five weeks I am going to limit carbs, ice cream, dairy, ice cream, candy, candy canes, candy corns, syrup, animals that are injecting each other with steroids, the more savvy animals that are just rubbing “the creme” on each other while eating ice cream, and even my beloved Reese’s Butter Cups. On top of that I am not allowed alcohol (NOOOOO!!!!), will be doing a million burpies (excuse me), and risk losing my part in the never to be made movie that I have trained so hard for, “Wolverine attacks the Hostess plant,” all for #%{*#}! FISH OIL???? Heck yeah!

The Paleo (faileo) Challenge starts this Monday so I need to quickly find a bumper sticker that says “I do IT for fish oil.” They also asked me to send them a “before photo” so I think I’ll send them this one: