Fat lesson learned!

So the glue is gone. Technically I guess it was fish oil, but same difference. The Paleo Challenge has come and gone, and I am not the wiener. Or at least I am pretty sure that I am not, but I haven’t seen the official results. I guess by the mere fact that I have turned in one journal entry (you know how much a “blogger” hates to write), I have kind of de facto excluded myself from the Best. Prize. Ever. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Not the fish oil!!!! Darnit Scotty I am a (love) doctor, not a paleo geek!!!
Anyway, I may be morbidly obese, but some edumecation has gotten through my thick skull. No really, I actually learned something in this whole process. To refresh your memory (yeah… like you’ve actually read one of my blog posts before… funny!), I started a weight loss contest a few weeks after New Years. So you know how you know that you are about to start a weight loss contest for the 179th time, so you don’t exactly skimp on the dessert before you start, right??? So I went from my steady cross-fit weight of 210 lbs. to my starting weight of 216.2. MOOOOOO!!!!!! But that isn’t the lesson.
Anyhoo, through exercise and not over-eating, after a few weeks I was back down to 210 lbs. Mooo (only 3 O’s). I was exercising on a regular basis and eating “healthy” and I stayed at 210 lbs. THEN, the Paleo Challenge started. I already lost over 6 lbs. AND plateaued when I started the Paleo Challenge. I thought it was going to be miserable, but it actually wasn’t that bad. More importantly, I started dropping weight. After already dropping over 6 lbs. from my original weight loss bet, I dropped another 8+ lbs. in just 5 weeks. In fact, I am giving you my final weight but there was a point towards the end that the scale read under 200 lbs. which it hasn’t done in well over a year!
So here is the lesson that I’ve learned: Yes exercise is important for weight loss. However, DIET is way more important. If you look at what I did, I lost the 6 lbs. of water weight, etc. that you can quickly lose on a diet bet and then stayed right there. I was exercising like a Mel Gibson… err… Mad man, and still stayed right at 210 lbs. UNTIL, I started doing paleo. Then I went from 5 chins to four chins… to eventually 3.5 chins. Heck I evengot down to Mo (only 1 “O”… bring on Larry and Curly!).
So without further ado… here is my BEFORE photo:

And my AFTER photo:

It’s amazing what a little Paleo (and a lot of tanning) will do!!!

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Why I had #sex with an alien

First of all, it wasn’t an alien, it was Miley Cyrus. Actually, I believe he said that he is the father of Miley Cyrus. He was serenading me and telling me to not break his (#AchyBreaky) heart, and had me swooning. BUT, we did NOT have sex. It may have been the fact that there were 10,000 other folks at the concert #TrueStoryIWillAdmitToActuallySeeingMrAchyBreakyInCollege or the fact that his security guards seemed to be discriminating against the #fat college kid pretending to be Garth Brooks #DarnSOBs! Anyway, the night ended up with me and Billy Ray spooning while I did my best #alien impression and probed him #WhoIsTheOneHitWonderNow??? #Booyah!!! Oh… and all of this was your fault.
About a week ago I was whining to my wife about nobody reading this stupid #ImObviouslyPlayingTheOppositeGame blog. She said I could try actually being funny #NotHappening or that maybe hash tags would help. I don’t really know much about hash tags, but I understand that they are now legal in Colorado #MarijuanaJokesGotOldOnDay1. So after doing zero research, I’m pretty sure that I am now almost an expert #HiMom! on hash tags. What I didn’t get though… is what sane person wouldn’t want to waste 5 minutes of their life reading a #not funny blog about Paleo #Yawn and Crossfit #Cult. Right? #StillCoolToSayRightTooMuchRight? Now when people google #FatGuySexWithAlien I think this blog will show up in the top 500,000 hits #WouldMakeAnotherMarijuanaJokeButItIsTooEasy #GetIt?Hits? After whining about #NoReaders publicly on FaceBook #SeriouslyIHearCricketsChirpingAfterEachPost, some kind souls said that they actually do read it #ProbablyPaidEndorsers #ILoveYouMom
Now that I know this blog #Masterpiece? actually does get posted publicly, it is time to give my reader #HiMomAgain! what she has been waiting for: An Update on the Paleo Challenge #riveting. So here is the Dealio #NoRelationToTheRapperCoolio, it is actually going very well. So remember how I said that in Crossfit everything sounds dirty, but really isn’t. Paleo is similar in that everything you eat sounds gross, but it really isn’t. During my first week on Paleo, I have had more spinach then I have ever eaten in my life #HopingToImpressOliveOil…OrAtLeastWimpy, haven’t had any dairy products because #AlmondMilk doesn’t count, and switched my can of soda for a can of coconut water #ThatWONTHappenAgain #GrossDoesn’tDoItJustice! Anyhoo, with the exception of the devil juice #JustMadeThatUp, everything has been fantastico! I’m actually even beginning to lose chins and I’m finally down to Elvis weight or even Oprah weight #YouCanGuessWhichVersionOfElvisOrOprah.
I always thought that Paleo wasn’t substainable in the long run. Well, I proved that wrong in the very first week when I was able substain it for four days #ISaidDaysNotHoursNoNeedToCallADoctor. Then, out of nowhere, came the weekend. I was traveling in Dallas with some co-workers and they wanted to go out for sushi. Technically you could have paleo friendly sushi, but the stuff they ordered would have the cavemen rolling over in their caves. So I ate the anti-Paleo sushi. Then they ordered drinks including sake #NotGoodButMuchBetterThanCoconutWater, so I drank sake… and beer… and a martini #IThinkIAmBond…JamesBond.
Part of the Paleo Challenge is a point system and accountability. You start every week with 100 points and then distract 7 points for each violation. Let’s just say that in one night I lost all 100 points #AndThenSome. So when my weekly weigh-in rolled around on Monday morning, I was more than a little surprised when the scale showed that I… LOST weight!?!?! I can almost Taste the #FishOil now. #InYourFaceBillyRay!!!

The First 48

The TV show, “The First 48” details the first two days of incarceration. It is gritty, mean, ugly, and smells of rotten eggs on cooked spinach leaves. That is exactly what the first two days of Paleo have been like. Wait… Maybe it would be more like Paleo if it detailed the last 48 hours when someone takes the (non-carb) lethal injection into their veins and dies a miserable death. OR just maybe I am on a Paleo high that has me as intoxicated as a guy in Colorado that besides any medicinal stuff, also just had two buck chuck come to town. Speaking of the “medicinal” stuff, my new Paleo app says that catnip is Paleo friendly. Seriously. Catnip. Besides the obvious question of what lucky intern got to test that, the only question left is: How bad do I want to win that fish oil.
I woke up 48 hours ago ready to take on the Paleo Challenge. I had no idea what I was allowed to eat but I guessed an egg was okay so I headed to IHOP for all you can eat pancakes. You are allowed black coffee on Paleo so I ordered a tall glass of milk. After I was 47 pancakes and 8 glasses of milk in, I remembered that not only was this not Paleo friendly, I am allergic to milk. As my chest got tight and breathing labored, I realized that maybe my wife was right and I actually do have control issues. Luckily I passed out due to a carb coma/allergic reaction and that was the end of day 1.

Let’s just call Day 1 a miserable Paleo Faileo.

I was determined to make Day 2 a success. For breakfast I had the eggs that eluded me on Day 1 (sans pancakes). So far so good.

For lunch I had a nice healthy salad. After I finished my salad it dawned on me that although my salad was Paleo friendly, the salad dressing may not be. So I did what the cavemen did and checked my app. Nope! Salad dressing in not Paleo friendly. I can put freaking catnip on my lettuce but heaven forbid if I want a little ranch dressing!!!

So again, I did what the caveman always did and drove back to my cave and drank beer (I know I am not allowed alcohol on my Paleo Challenge but I think this is okay because I was drinking Rolling Rock. I mean… How much more Flintstone can I get than a beer that has “rock” in its name?).

Day 2 also equals a Paleo Faileo.

So here I am on Day 3 pacing while asking myself repeatedly, “what would a caveman eat?” The pressure is getting to me and I can’t hear myself think over the squeaking of my kids guinea pigs. Here is A picture of Nibbles and Princess (I think her name is Princess anyway):

Finally… The lightbulb in my caveman noggin turned on:

I ate the cute furry one in the front of the picture (Nibbles I think).

PS: Guinea Pigs don’t actually taste like chicken. However, along with catnip… Are Paleo Friendly!

Best. Prize. EVER!

Let’s play the word association game. Just say the first word that comes to your mind. When I say “beer,” there could be several right answers including: belly, yummy, and giver of life. However, if I say “paleo,” there is only one correct answer: faileo. I’m not going to lie, I know nothing that is actually true about paleo. However, I’ll gladly share everything I do know with all (okay… both) of you:

-Paleo makes you talk funny: You wife. Me chubs. We bed now.
-It also turns you into a caveman (which is why you talk funny).
-You can’t eat anything you don’t catch and skin yourself. So add, “Here kitty-kitty” to that caveman lingo.
-You have exactly zero bowel movements while on the Paleo diet (wait… this one might actually be true).

So I bet you are wondering why when my new Crossfit gym announced that they were doing a “Paleo Challenge,” yours truly just happened to be in the 167th person in line. Couldn’t I have more fun by just having another vasectomy or maybe even a root canal? Yes. In fact it was while I was getting snipped for the 6th time, that I happened to stumble across all the cool things that are awarded to the winner of the paleo challenge. It quickly become a no-brainer to enter and my new life mission to win it. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and take a look and see for yourself. Here are the stakes that I’ll be shedding my blood, sweat, tears, and hopefully even a few LB’s for:

1.Undying fame, respect, braggin’ rights and the envy of your peers.
—Sure… This sounds cool. Really I think the winner has earned this. Heck if I win, I might even tattoo my accomplishments on the calf of my leg. Oh crud… I already did that with my darn #Ironman tattoo! What was I thinking!?!?!?

2.BackCountry CrossFit Sweatshirt
—Hmmm…. It would be nice to use my new svelte body to advertise my box, but I already have a permanent fur sweater so this one is not as appealing.

3. A 1 month Free Unlimited Crossfit Membership
—This one is pretty good but I think if I win the 5 week Paleo challenge, I’d prefer a 1 month unlimited buffet membership.

4.Free Pair of Inov-8 Shoes
—Not exactly sure what kind of shoes these are, but I hope they are tap.

5.Free Fish Oil from SFH
—OMG!!! Why didn’t they just skip that other junk and get straight to this jewel??? So just to get this straight, for the next five weeks I am going to limit carbs, ice cream, dairy, ice cream, candy, candy canes, candy corns, syrup, animals that are injecting each other with steroids, the more savvy animals that are just rubbing “the creme” on each other while eating ice cream, and even my beloved Reese’s Butter Cups. On top of that I am not allowed alcohol (NOOOOO!!!!), will be doing a million burpies (excuse me), and risk losing my part in the never to be made movie that I have trained so hard for, “Wolverine attacks the Hostess plant,” all for #%{*#}! FISH OIL???? Heck yeah!

The Paleo (faileo) Challenge starts this Monday so I need to quickly find a bumper sticker that says “I do IT for fish oil.” They also asked me to send them a “before photo” so I think I’ll send them this one:

If I suddenly go missing, someone investigate my Box!

Okay, apparently the one time this stupid blog has more than one reader happened to be the time that I risk my life by calling Crossfit a cult. Now they are trying to murder me in the most painful way possible: through exercise. They are on to me I just know it! How do I know? Well when I went to a “class” yesterday I overheard whispers of, “look at that fat furry guy rocking the midriff shirt!” Which you and I both know is code for, “The geezer is trying to share our secret with the world before the leader says it is time… we must kill him.” Before this dumbbell slips and has a real dumbbell “accidentally” impale my groin, I’ll help you make your own decision by listing the characteristics of a cult. We can then see if crossfit matches those characteristics.

—CHARACTERISTICS OF A CULT—

—The group displays excessively zealous commitment or obedience to its leader— So crossfit is very sneaky about this. They rotate the leader on a daily basis and it is never announced who the designated leader really is at any given time. In fact, the only way to know who it is, is by paying attention to who is wearing the very discrete shirt that says “coach” on it. Of course, he or she is also the one offering instructions. If you don’t follow those instructions, you get “coached” into submission with things like: “You are actually supposed to bend your knees, not your back, when doing squats!” It’s their subtle way of saying, “submit or risk injury.” —Cult and Crossfit characteristic? Check.—-

—The Cult plays cool, loud songs like “Love removal machine” to “motivate” you. —Cult and Crossfit characteristic? Check.—

—Members are encouraged to spend and inordinate amount of time with the group.— Let’s just say that there are SOoooo many classes! —Cult and Crossfit Characteristic? Check—

—The group is elitist, claiming a special, almost exalted status of itself.— Whoa! This one is scary how much it describes crossfit. Crossfit is elitist to the point where our common language just isn’t good enough, so they invented their own. I’ll give you some of our inside lingo, just so you can also be indoctrinated. I should warn you: even though all of it sounds dirty, none of it really is. So here is this new member’s understanding of it (I think enlightenment doesn’t truly happen until I reach higher levels… ie. I can do 100 burpies).

Box – The specific gym where crossfit is performed. They all have names that remind you of death or pain, like “Death Crossfit,” “Pain Crossfit,” or the very worst of them, the one that makes me cry and whimper like a 41 year old fat out of shape blogger, “Backcountry Crossfit.” Each Box is in secret competition with the Box across the street, and ALL of them are superior to your weak, girly non-crossfit “gym”.

Snatch – This is a G-rated blog so I can’t go into great detail about this one but, again, trust me… it isn’t dirty.

Burpies – Not really sure what these are. All I know is that we do a ton of them. You jump up and down and burpy a lot. It seems to be increased on the mornings following eating Mexican food for dinner.

Paleo – Crossfits equivalent of the kool-aid (with, of course, no sugar added). Don’t know much about it yet… but this is why I happen to be risking my life blogging about crossfit in a blog about weight loss. Stay tuned!

WOD – This is an acronym for, “Prepare to Die Sucka!” It is also something more advanced members feel compelled to post to their facebook daily. I would pretend to be advanced by also doing this, but how could I do that and let my facebook peeps know that I had toast for breakfast? They are about as equally exciting on facebook so I’ll stick to my toast posts because it at least rhymes.
—Anyhoo, having your very own lingo… Cult and Crossfit characteristic? Check.—

Nice people… I mean REALLY nice people – I haven’t officialy found this as a cult characteristic but I can’t help but think of that cult that castrated all of its members while waiting for the Hale-Bopp’s comet. I don’t know about you, but if a grouchy guy told me to get in line to get my nuts cut off, I would at least have to think twice. However, if a smiling nice guy suggested that he has a way to literally cut a couple ounces right off me, I would reply, “That’s great! Where do I sign… and why are you holding a cleaver?”
So even though it might not be an official cult characteristic, isn’t it a little odd that people that work at a gym…err… box, would be so nice. I picture an Arnold Schwartzenegger looking character with a thick mustache insulting my girly muscles… and the men that worked there would be even nastier! However, at least at my crossfit, everyone seems really nice. From the kind people at the desk, to the helpful people wearing the coach shirts, and even the other “members” who are dying right next to you: EVERYONE is extremely nice. I don’t know, but it just seems odd that with what seems like someone’s last breath they would offer a, “good job buddy!” —-Crossfit characteristic? Check. Cult characteristic? Inconclusive.

Well since crossfit and cults don’t share 100% of the same characteristics (and because I have a wife and 4 kids who kind of need me around… the kids anyway), I’ll have to rule this as inconclusive. Now I’ve gotta run… I’ve got a comet to catch!