Man with a plan!

Today was the first weigh-in, and needless to say, I’ve never been so disgusted with myself. 217.4. Ouch. Yes, I am disgusted, but maybe not for the reason you think. It isn’t for my incredible girth and four chins. It is because I ONLY have four chins. I started last year’s weight loss contest at 225.4. I had all year to gain weight and I report in weighing eight pounds LESS than last year??? What a loser!

So in case some of you actually want to eat in 2014, I’ll spare you the before photos (for those of you that must know, just picture a cross between Chewbaca, Dolly Parton, and Fat Albert and you’ve got it!). I got the details of the first contest today and here is the pertinent info: it runs from January 13th to March 7th. $10 entry. Weekly weigh-ins. $1 penalty every week you don’t lose weight AND $1 penalty for every pound you gain. Whoever loses the biggest percentage of weight, is the winner, winner, chicken and dumplings dinner.

I’ve decided to go ahead and win this and bring home the bacon. Mmm… bacon… I even came up with an agressive goal of losing 10% or 22 lbs. If I could get down to a svelte 195 I am pretty sure I could fit in my bro again (it is a C cup). But as grandma used to always say, “shut the refrigerator door fatty!” Wait.. not that, “If you fail to plan, you really are your father’s son!” The point is, losing over 20 lbs. won’t just happen on its own. So here is my guaranteed five step plan (patent pending if you are in the contest with me):

1. Look at my before photo often. — Should lose six lbs. as a result.

2. It is better to eat frequently throughout the day to avoid eating too much. It is supposed to be small meals, but bigger has got to be better right? So I’m going to eat large meals frequently throughout the day to make sure I win the hunger games. — Will probably gain seven lbs. as a result.

3. Hit Japanese baths with fellow obese men. — Probably won’t lose weight as a result, but might make some new friends.

4. Donate blood any other bodily fluids that they’ll take. — Probably gain three pounds because of the snacks afterwards.

5. Shave my back. — Lose 26 lbs. Booyah!!!! This is going to be like taking $10 from some other diet contestants… or something like that.

Stay tuned!

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The 2nd to last supper

“Where do you want to go for dinner?” my wife asked innocently enough. Let’s see… with a weight loss contest beginning in less than 48 hours, maybe I should use tonight to practice eating healthy. Yeah right! “Krave,” was my one word answer.
If you don’t have Krave Burgers in your state, it is only because your legislators might actually care about you. “How bad could it be?” you ask. Go ahead and see for yourself.

Yes, you are reading that correctly, the Luther does say it has two glazed donuts as the hamburger bun (you should also note that right above the Luther they named a burger after me). Now I just wanted to be a glutton not a super glutton so I just went with the nice healthy burger with the fried cheese and chili (let’s be honest, there will be plenty of time for salads after Monday). However, to make sure I got my vegetables in, I ordered the sliced potato to go with it.

After making sure I cleaned my entire plate (considering the kids starving in Africa and all), my always supportive wife suggested we also get one of their adult shakes. I figured the alcohol in the shake might help loosen my quickly clogging arteries, but at this point I was just trying to remember if I was supposed to go to the light or stay away from it.

It’s probably 50/50 that I even survive until Monday’s weigh-in, so if I don’t make it please have my love handles bronzed and sent to the museum of fat.

Guess who is back

So it has been about 20 years since I took a philosophy course at my junior college, but I still remember the important stuff.  The first being that no matter what the question was, the professor always had the same response.  He would look at you through bloodshot eyes, scratch his beard 17 times, then say, “Hmmm… you think so, really?”  To which I always had the same answer, ” Yes, I know so!  I REALLY have to go to the bathroom!”  But besides my bearded nemesis, I enjoyed learning how the great thinkers of history would pose questions to teach. Socrates probably impressed me the most with his challenge of, “Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?”

After over a year hiatus from this blog, this not so slim shady is back.  Why?  Probably because you didn’t forward that chain letter email  (even though they clearly warned you that bad things would happen to you).  Actually there are two reasons why I’m bringing sexy back, the first is because I’m tired of crying myself to sleep at night because I miss writing.  As for the second reason, well, I’ll blame it on the time of year.

For most normal people the beginning of a new year means resolutions.  For me, it means weight loss contests.  For some reason there is nothing more satisfying than publicly going from three to five chins.   I usually have to approach random people in the grocery store with, “You there, buying two gallons of ice cream,  you look like you could stand to lose a few pounds, would you have any interest in joining a weight loss contest with me, maam?”  However, not this year as two different contests  just fell into my fat lap (I’ll give you the details in a future post- I know, I know… how are you supposed to get any sleep until you have this tantalizing information???)  I don’t think I really have a shot of winning either contest, but if nothing else, they’ll give me an excuse to write.  I’m such an idiot that I was thinking to myself, “Hmmm… it would be fun to write about this… maybe I’ll have to start a blog. I could get some sort of domain that would include being fat and…oh yeah… I already HAVE one!”  And just like that http://www.blogbyfattom.com has new life.

Cuanto es el liposuctiono?

This porker needs your prayers peeps. I have got my biggest dilemma since deciding which cheek to put my ALF tattoo on. Sure, some of you won’t take it seriously, but the wise among you will realize there is nothing light about it.
This is heavy stuff: literally. I am talking about my upcoming weight loss contest. If you have got an extra chin (or seven) and $25, you can join me in my conundrum. Here is the internal debate that probably won’t keep me up tonight: with the contest starting in a week and me already at maximum density, how do I spend the next week?
I could easily say enough is enough and start on my quest to see my goodies again immediately. OR I could stuff my face with Bon Bons while watching Oprah all day like I am .0001% sure all wives do. Sure the goodies option might allow me to add seconds to my life, but the Bon Bon option may give me even fuller bosom. What to do, what to do…

PS: if your dryer is also shrinking all of your duds all of a sudden and you want in, email me.