Best. Prize. EVER!

Let’s play the word association game. Just say the first word that comes to your mind. When I say “beer,” there could be several right answers including: belly, yummy, and giver of life. However, if I say “paleo,” there is only one correct answer: faileo. I’m not going to lie, I know nothing that is actually true about paleo. However, I’ll gladly share everything I do know with all (okay… both) of you:

-Paleo makes you talk funny: You wife. Me chubs. We bed now.
-It also turns you into a caveman (which is why you talk funny).
-You can’t eat anything you don’t catch and skin yourself. So add, “Here kitty-kitty” to that caveman lingo.
-You have exactly zero bowel movements while on the Paleo diet (wait… this one might actually be true).

So I bet you are wondering why when my new Crossfit gym announced that they were doing a “Paleo Challenge,” yours truly just happened to be in the 167th person in line. Couldn’t I have more fun by just having another vasectomy or maybe even a root canal? Yes. In fact it was while I was getting snipped for the 6th time, that I happened to stumble across all the cool things that are awarded to the winner of the paleo challenge. It quickly become a no-brainer to enter and my new life mission to win it. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and take a look and see for yourself. Here are the stakes that I’ll be shedding my blood, sweat, tears, and hopefully even a few LB’s for:

1.Undying fame, respect, braggin’ rights and the envy of your peers.
—Sure… This sounds cool. Really I think the winner has earned this. Heck if I win, I might even tattoo my accomplishments on the calf of my leg. Oh crud… I already did that with my darn #Ironman tattoo! What was I thinking!?!?!?

2.BackCountry CrossFit Sweatshirt
—Hmmm…. It would be nice to use my new svelte body to advertise my box, but I already have a permanent fur sweater so this one is not as appealing.

3. A 1 month Free Unlimited Crossfit Membership
—This one is pretty good but I think if I win the 5 week Paleo challenge, I’d prefer a 1 month unlimited buffet membership.

4.Free Pair of Inov-8 Shoes
—Not exactly sure what kind of shoes these are, but I hope they are tap.

5.Free Fish Oil from SFH
—OMG!!! Why didn’t they just skip that other junk and get straight to this jewel??? So just to get this straight, for the next five weeks I am going to limit carbs, ice cream, dairy, ice cream, candy, candy canes, candy corns, syrup, animals that are injecting each other with steroids, the more savvy animals that are just rubbing “the creme” on each other while eating ice cream, and even my beloved Reese’s Butter Cups. On top of that I am not allowed alcohol (NOOOOO!!!!), will be doing a million burpies (excuse me), and risk losing my part in the never to be made movie that I have trained so hard for, “Wolverine attacks the Hostess plant,” all for #%{*#}! FISH OIL???? Heck yeah!

The Paleo (faileo) Challenge starts this Monday so I need to quickly find a bumper sticker that says “I do IT for fish oil.” They also asked me to send them a “before photo” so I think I’ll send them this one:

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A different kind of Boob Job

Boobs… ahhh glorious boobs.  They have got to be among the best things God ever created.  I mean kittens are cute and cuddly, waterfalls can be tranquil and relaxing, and mimes are well… downright scary (wait, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t GOD who created mimes), but none of them can compare with boobs.  So why am I shying away from them??? Because I’m gay.  Scratch that and let me back up and explain what I’m talking about here.

Rewind a few years back.  It was then that my pride took over and I decided that I needed to go from SomePatheticLoserWithoutHisOwnDomain@wordpress.com to www.blogbyfattom.com.  I was sure that was how Hemingway got her start (Mariel not Ernest), so I blogged until my fingers bled.  I was witty, I was poignant, and I lined more than my share of birdcages.  Somewhere along the way, I acquired what every blogger so desperately craves: readers.  I had people who subscribed to my blog, that left comments on it, and even shared it with others.  Everything was just about perfect, that is until the company I used to host my new domain began to change.

The changes were subtle at first.   They started with just a face shot of a young woman.  After a little while they had that same woman, but instead of a face shot, it was a full body shot… and she was wearing lingerie.  I thought it was kind of odd, but figured they were trying to keep up with the likes of GoDaddy.  That photo stayed, but a little while later, they started using banner advertising directed at XXX sites and domains.  I’ve never been the quickest kid on the block so it took me a while, but eventually they hit me.   I say “they” because there most recent addition was another woman.  This one didn’t have any lingerie, but did have some very large boobs on her.  I’m still not exactly sure what it had to do with a website/domain hosting company, but right on their homepage was this woman who basically bent over with nothing on so you could see everything except her nipples, and just swayed her breasts back and forth.  When she was done swaying, the automatic repeat kicked on and it played the clip again, and again, and again.

They were so boobiful that they almost hypnotized me.  I watched it once, twice, ten, then twenty times.  After the 30th time, with my eyes unwavering to the point that I could have beat a statue in a stare-off, # 31 came to mind.  More specifically, Job 31:1 came to mind: “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.” A covenant, wow!  That’s some heavy stuff Job (rhymes with robe) was laying down there.  Heavy enough for me to say bye-bye to the boobies (and unfortunately  to the people who were following this blog on that domain service) and hello again to WordPress.

So, if you are feeling kind, possibly drunk, or you just don’t care, consider helping a blogger out by clicking on the “subscribe” link and then  entering your email address.  However, if you find the mere thought of the fact that I mentioned big boobs and scripture in the same post and wouldn’t follow this blog if it was the last in the blogosphere, then feel free to use the “subscribe” link to get back at your enemies.  Either way, I want to thank you in advance for removing the pins out of my voodoo doll’s crotch… and when necessary, inserting them in my eyes.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE????

I told you I can now be found at www.blogbyfattom.com.  If you hurry, you can still be the first to actually SUBSCRIBE to my blog.